The Best Damn Thing- Crossdresser! Reader X Prussia Chpt 9
Okay, it seems that a lot of people are fond of this series, well like I’ve said before there should be at least 15-20 chapters for this story and those who are into it, I luv you all that much. P.S this is probably the dirtiest and even funniest chapter yet, so be on the lookout for mentions of wieners… that is all.
well I hope you all ENJOY~!! :3
You hugged your mom and Grandpa and then waved to them once you left your house, ready for another day in the life of (Male Name) (Surname). After an awkward morning with a certain ‘Prussian’ you needed a day of wacky, crazy-ass antics at your university to make things normal again. Your disguise on completely, fake sideburns on, wrapping on and your baggy pants and hoodie all on, hair all tied into a (hair length) ponytail kept hidden under your hoodie; perfection.
Will that all being said and done you got into your car and then checked the backseat this time, just in case Gilbert had found some way to sneak into your car again. Learn from your mistakes. You set the car in drive and headed to school.
You plugged your (music player) into the car to listen to an old tune, nobody listens to it anymore but right now an old song by an old washed up singer wouldn’t be too bad.
Sometimes I lie to the other dudes
And the student body
just to attend the school
You sang along while making hand motions to jam along with the song. Oh yeah that’s it.
Some days I spends a little extra
Time in the morning
Just to pass off as a dude
Ha! And half those guys don’t even know it. Many knew but apparently your roommate didn’t. Either you were a much better actress and liar than you thought or Gilbert’s just dense.
Guess you don't notice
Guess you don't need this
Sad you're not seein' what you're missin'
On the outside shyin' away
On the inside dyin' to say
Not so typical
Way too smart to be waiting around
Tai chi practicing
I could fix the flat on your car
I might even be a rock star
You sung all the while driving and then stopping in the parking lot of your university. Yes your university, that had a good ring to it. Plus you were actually pretty proud to be a part of the W Academy, it was crazy and full of big adventures. Living a double life was adventure enough but this school only made it better, hell today you were wearing your new hoodie that had the school’s logo and name on it.
You stepped out of the car, feeling fresh and fairly energetic.
To the point where you opened the front door widely with both hands raised in the air. Almost embracing the chaos you entered in, that you walked through easily compared to the hell you went through at first with Feliks. But now you two were used to it, not completely used to it but good enough.
You overheard uproarious laughter that sounded like Alfred’s but then again the guy was loud to begin with so you didn’t have to guess. He looked like he was saying things that only pissed off that Arthur guy because he kept on yelling at him.
“Hello boys~! The fun guy is in the house!” You yelled rather enthusiastically and you approached the two guys with your hands still raised.
“Hey (Male Name)!”
“Oh it’s you. I’ve heard things.” Arthur said, a little more curtly compared to how friendly Alfred greeted you.
“Yeah I know, I’m pretty awesome.” You nodded with pride and a smile.
“More like a trouble-maker.” He deadpanned, to your disappointment. He was almost as much of a killjoy as Ludwig.
“Nah don’t pay attention to Arthur (Male Name) he’s just a stick in the mud and doesn’t know how to have fun!” Alfred said and put his arm around your shoulder and you smiled and snickered at the now fuming Briton.
“You be quiet! I’m just more mature than you and you know it!”
“I know I’m more fun than you!”
Just hearing these two bicker made you feel like you were somehow caught in the middle, so naturally you stood in the middle, “Chill, chill…”
“Good idea come on let’s go play some games or something outside after class.” Alfred suggested, to which you complied happily and you were about to follow Alfred once he dashed into the hallway but you stopped to look at Arthur.
“Hey. You wanna… maybe play with us? The more the merrier.” You asked politely, hopefully so this guy wouldn’t be too grouchy.
“No thank you. I have more important things to do than play childish games.” He said and then grabbed a book from his backpack and then simply walked ahead of you, now you were slightly annoyed.
“A simple no would have been sufficient.”
“Is that how you talk to your peers, with rudeness?” He turned to you once he heard your annoyed tone.
“Oh I’m being rude?”
“All I did was ask if you wanted to hang out with us and you just brush me off like that!” You said, sounding a little more angry; that’s a way to rain on your parade today.
“And I said no. It’s as simple as that it’s not rude, I don’t want to play with you Mr. (surname). So if you’d be so kind as to respect that.” He said exchanging a glare with you before walking off again.
“ Gorilla brows…” You muttered but he seemed to catch that.
“I beg your pardon?!” He sounded offended and his expression amused you.
“Nothing.” You said simply and walked ahead to class, with the irritated Brit following you and glaring at you all the way. Well at least now you were certain you made an enemy, since Gilbert was only your frenemy.
~~~~~~~Time Skip of AWESOMENESS~~~~~~
Math class… wasn’t your best subject, not even in high school but now in college they only made it seem like it was written in another language. What the hell was this even supposed to mean? You thought angrily as you kept on staring at the blank page in front of you.
“Feliks? You got a clue what this means?”
“Like you know I’m not good at math. Remember I would always cheat off your papers when the teach was like not looking? ” He said sharing the same frustrated face as you, just a little more pouty and you nodded.
“Yeah but I suck at math; how did we pass it in high school again?”
“I have no idea…”
You both sighed deeply, sure you got through some of this work the whole few weeks you’ve attended this school, but now it was just getting harder.
“Damned algebra… if x is y than how much is…” You thought aloud and didn’t notice the same angry Brit from this morning sitting next to you.
“X doesn’t equal y you have to solve both of them.” He said, you could tell he was already annoyed. Then again being annoyed seemed like that was just his personality overall.
“Excuse me?” You asked, sounding just as annoyed as he was.
“If you learned anything in high school is that you have to solve for both x and y. To solve for x, you need to isolate x on one side by subtracting y on both sides of the equation. And then it’s not that different when you’re solving for y.” He explained and you couldn’t tune him out no matter how much you wanted to, he sounded like one of your old teachers, one that you recalled that you weren’t fond of at all.
“It’s quite simple really.” You furrowed your eyebrows at his comment, it seems like he indirectly called you stupid. Okay you weren’t the brightest bulb in the shed, you were no genius and you were no prodigy and you knew it, but that didn’t mean you liked hearing it from someone else.
“Oh really well if you think it’s so ‘simple’ then go on and solve all these for me. Go on. Show off with your bad self.” You said, almost challenging him but he gave you a look that pretty much said he thought nothing of it.
“Fine.” He said and then began to write away on the paper you gave him, which was yours however unbeknownst to you it would only give Arthur the satisfaction that someone else needed his brainpower to solve your problems because you couldn’t and he certainly wouldn’t mind doing it again because it was easy for him.
You and Feliks only watched the guy write the math like it was elementary, you weren’t amazed nor amused. Feliks knew you weren’t amused and he didn’t like math either so he was just as unsatisfied as you were.
“There you go.” He said politely, for once. And you stared at the now filled out page that had math writings that once you looked at them they were much easier to understand now but apparently you couldn’t even understand them the first time you saw it. Your work was done but it didn’t make you happy, especially even more once you noticed the Brit smirking at you.
“What do you want a medal?” You snarked which only made the Brit smirk more.
“No thank you.” He said and went back to his own work while you snarled lowly.
“No thank you~” You mocked his voice to yourself, what a dick.
~~~~~~~Time Skip of AWESOMENESS~~~~~~
“Blah, blah, blah. Why is that guy toying with you?” You thought angrily once your class ended, which you were thankful so that way you could stay away from that mean Brit; and it seemed like he was just as thankful as you were. Maybe he was a homophobe, or maybe he just didn’t like you. He wasn’t as bad as Gilbert, but as least Gilbert wasn’t cold like that. Arrogant and loud yes but not cold.
Speaking of which you heard him laughing in the hallway, and other guys laughing which were from without a doubt, Francis and Antonio. Not wanting to be spotted you hid behind the wall that led into the hallway they were in.
“ She really let you sleep with her?” Asked the cheery Spaniard; and then you tensed up once he asked that, he was talking about what happened last night!
“ Ja, she did! She just said ‘come to bed wiz me’ and zhen zhat’s vhen zhings got awesome…” You heard Gilbert say or rather brag judging by how puffed up he looked with pride, despite the fact that he was lying about that. A part of you swelled up with annoyance and anger, sure (Male Name) was gay but that didn’t mean (Your Name) had to be put as some chick who let someone like Gilbert Beilschmidt go to town on her! Why would he tell them that?! It was a lie, but still! He wants to say you and him spent the night together? Fine! But don’t make up bullshit just to make himself look good while you end up looking like another one of those chicks!
“HEY THAT AIN’T TRUE!” You suddenly screamed from your hiding place. Which made the trio turn their heads to where the scream came from.
“Shit…!” You thought once you heard silence, you were just so angry that you wanted to kick Gilbert’s ass, all the times you were just talking out of your own ass but right now it’s on!
“Hello?” Gilbert called, he didn’t know who it was but he didn’t have to scream. Besides he was in the middle of making himself look twice as awesome right now!
“ You can come out of hiding. Who ever’s zhere.” Francis said, or reassured but he still sounded like a lech. Because that’s how he was, but even you could trust him somehow because not even a guy like Francis would lie about that. Or would he?
You were going to freaking kick ALL their asses.
You slid out of your hiding spot, kind of like a cool rock-star. “What’s up bitches?” You greeted their expressions: Gilbert wasn’t amused but Francis and Antonio were.
“Oh hey (Male Name) I’m so glad to see you here, given how you decided to leave to school wizhout me!” Gilbert said, clearly annoyed with you despite the fact that he had the same smirk that he always wore on.
“Hey Gil how’s my favorite biatch?” You were twice as annoyed with him as he was with you.
“Vhy vould you just ditch me like zhat?!”
You widened your eyes and a flabbergasted look formed on your face. “ Why would YOU lie about sleeping with my sister?!” And you got what you were expecting, the surprised faces of Antonio and Francis both staring at a shocked Gilbert; he had been caught.
“You don’t know zhat! You vere in your room moping about how your sister zhinks she’s so much more awesome zhan you!” He replied and smirked with pride, thinking he had you pegged.
“Yeah I do, we fight but she tells me everything! Like how you two were stuck in the closet together!” You smirked widely, looking somewhat crazy. Francis and Antonio suddenly looked interested. “Did you do anyzhing in zhere while you were at it?” Francis asked with a perverted smile, “Tell us what happened amigo!” Antonio chirped with a more sincere and even cute looking smile.
“V-Vell…! I vanted to but instead she-“ He began but you quickly cut him off.
“Okay fellas what really happened was that they were locked in the closet and…” You started but stopped when you saw how worried Gilbert looked, at what it was you were about to say. Which you thought was very odd since Gilbert was never one to be abashed, but he must’ve really cared about how he looked in front of his friends, so…
“They were locked in while Mom and Gramps came in and (Your Name) forgot that she had a key… they got out… but (Your Name) nearly got caught with him…” You said instead of spilling all about the details of Gil’s little emergency in the morning, to spare him some embarrassment. He wouldn’t have done the same for you so you decided to be the bigger person.
“Really? Zhat must’ve been a scare mon ami… but at zhe same time… quite thrilling, oui?”
“ Don’t ask me it was (Your Name) who told me the whole story.” You shrugged simply.
“What an exciting story! This all happened today?” Antonio asked you, “That’s what she said.” You said and sniggered on the inside at what you just said and you even noticed Gilbert sniggering.
“What’s so funny?”
“You said ‘zhat’s vhat she said.’”
“Yeah I know, real funny Cool whip.”
“Cool Whip?” He asked, confused and befuddled by that choice of name.
“Yeah, unless you’d rather me call you Cool Hwhip.” You smirked and put emphasis on the h to annoy him, and it worked.
“Don’t even get me started zhat…” He said sounding annoyed like you intended.
“Well when you think about the concepts of Cool Whip you’ll know that it has something to do… with your wiener.” You smirked again but then you noticed Gilbert’s shocked and even uncomfortable expression; oh that’s right he always assumed that because you were gay you’d eventually come onto him, after all you ‘came out to him’.
But he brushed it off and snickered, “Kesesese~ is zhat it? Vell (Male Name) for your information I don’t know if your sister told you but she-“
“Grabbed your awesome 5 metres?” You asked while smiling and fluttered your fingers because you knew that his wiener was NOT 5 meters long. However Gilbert flushed in slight embarrassment by the way you put it and remembering that (Your Name) did grab it…
“S-She told you zhat?”
“Ohohohon~ You didn’t tell us zhat!” Francis snickered, now even more interested and enjoying where this was going. Gilbert was so lucky…
“Ouch! That must’ve hurt amigo…” Antonio said in concern; especially since Gilbert was the one who always said he’d be the one to violate any one’s vital regions, not the one who get’s their vital regions violated. The irony…
“ Ja! She really did! I’m telling zhe truth about zhat! But she vasn’t gentle…!” He said and cringed at the memory. She practically tried to squeeze it like one of those stress-relief things… and then he mentally shuddered.
“ Mein awesome 5 metres hurt after zhat. But now it’s fine!”
“How many times do I have to tell you man, your dick is NOT 5 meters long.” You sighed and rolled your eyes, it was impossible. You had to be either really small or really delusional to say you have a 5 meter long penis.
“ Und how many times do I have to tell you (Male Name) zhat how vould you know? Unless you actually stare at it, you homo.”
“ I know because if your dick really was 5 meters long then you’d be wearing pants that have a 3rd pant’s leg.” You smirked and raised an eyebrow, Francis and Antonio thought it was funny, since they both snickered and flushed in amusement. For once Gilbert was speechless, that was a bold move on your part.
“You suck (Male Name)! At least I have a dick!”
Your eyes widened, yeah… he did… and he may have not known it… but he was right… “H-hey now that's just rude! I do too have a dick! And it’s bigger than yours!” You blurted out and reddened at the same time.
“Really? Is zhat a challenge?” He smirked and again, the ones he usually gave you when you both did silly little competitions; they were often fun but how were you supposed to pull this one off?!
“Yeah! B-but! Everyone has to be in on this! All of our friends!” You said again and smirked like him, putting your friends involved to perhaps blow some heat off you. It wasn’t right but at the same time what harm could be done in this? Guys prided themselves on that anyway right?
“Okay fine you faggot, but don’t get too turned on now…” He sniggered again and then you shook your head around to mock what he just told you.
~~~~~~~Time Skip of AWESOMENESS~~~~~~
“All right, zhat’s 5.1 Alfred.” Gilbert said as he held up the tape measure, to Alfred’s dismay.
“What?! No way dude my dick is not 5.1 inches! Check again!”
You heard all the guys yelling while they were being measured, many were dissatisfied and some were being arrogant and then having little arguments about who was the ‘man.’ You kept your eyes averted from anyone being currently measured and your face was the color of a tomato by now, normally you didn’t get embarrassed but in a room full of guys who were measuring themselves was just…
Then you saw the expressions of your friends, Ivan was smiling in satisfaction, Feliks and Toris were both red in the face and looked embarrassed though Feliks was a little more proud it’s just that right now you were in the room. You were going to get it eventually after this…
Alfred was already unhappy but he still claimed that he was a hero, Raivis was sitting in an emo corner, Ludwig’s face was the color of beetroot and Lovino had his arms crossed on the sidelines with a satisfactory smirk; apparently he was bigger than him.
Also Feliciano wasn’t sure what was going on so he looked confused, and then you saw how bad that guy Arthur was dangerously blushing but then you noticed that he also looked fairly proud when he found out that he was bigger than Alfred.
You had a clipboard that had some of the guy’s measurements:
Matthew Williams: 5.5 inches
Wang Yao: 4.3 inches
Kiku Honda: 4.3 inches.
You looked at the 3 blushing gentleman, the Japanese boy Kiku shivering and he had his face buried in his hands in shame and embarrassment; you practically see the steam puffing from his bright red face. Yao had his arms crossed and pouted, his face not as bright red as Kiku’s but it was pretty close. Then you saw that guy Matthew,hey he’s Al’s bro; judging by the slight resemblance. Except his face was almost as red as Kiku’s and he didn’t say a single word all the while getting measured, well… maybe he did but you didn’t hear him. You felt bad, looking at how embarrassed some of these guys looked. Something was also telling you that you would eventually pay for this somehow.
“Yo, Al’s bro!” You called him and he quickly turned to see you, with a surprised look on his face.
“You’re Matt right?”
“Y-Yes…” He said, or rather whispered.
“ Oh, well what’s up? Al’s told me things about you.”
“He-He has...? ” He sounded surprised and looked surprised, at least by how you actually knew his name and about the fact that Alfred had actually spoken about someone else other than himself for once.
“Yeah… well enough…” You said and scratched the back of your head sheepishly. You remembered how he said that Matt was Canadian, that he was so shy and quiet and how he still has a teddy bear…
“Name’s (Male Name).” You said and offered your hand for him to shake.
“H-Hi… I’m M-Matthew Williams… though y-you probably already know that…” He said softly but you could see that he was smiling.
“Hey Matt, sorry you had to go through this…”
“ Yeah… this is… only probably the most embarrassing thing I’ve ever done in my life…” He said, reddening further and lowered his face and stared at his feet.
You shrugged and then nudged his shoulder, “Well look at the bright side man, you beat your bro by 4 inches.” You smirked but Matthew just blushed harder; and at the same time knowing that… made him kind of happy…
“Okay! Well that’s everyone guys.” You said but then you noticed the Bad Touch Trio all staring at you. Then Alfred and Arthur standing nearby, Alfred looked curious and Arthur practically glared at you.
“Aren’t you forgetting something amigo?” Antonio asked politely, trying hard to not use amiga since he secretly had a hunch that you weren’t exactly… a man…
“What dudes?” You asked, keeping your voice subtle so they don’t get suspicious.
“Mon ami, it appears zhat everyone but you ‘as been measured, non?" Francis said with a slight frown, if you weren’t measured than this meant you were a girl. But at the same time if you were a girl, that could be tempting…
“Oh I measured mine already guys. See? It’s right there (Male Name) (Last Name).” You said and held up a ruler to prove it; then pointed to where the clipboard said your alias and gave it to Gilbert. The other guys closing in to read what it said.
“12.5 inches?” Arthur asked, reading the ‘measurement’ with disbelief and stared at you incredulously.
“Yup, it’s pretty great I’m not going to lie.” You nodded and gave yourself a smirk; almost getting caught up in the act despite not even having one. All the other guys started to eye you, not believing you and some in jealousy and/or annoyance.
“Und you say I lie about mein awesome 5 metres! Your dick is NOT 12 und a half inches long!” Gilbert yelled angrily, that sounded ironic when it came from him. Besides how could you be bigger than him?!
“Now listen (Male Name) everyone else here got measured with witnesses so it's only fair that you do the same.” Francis said with a slight frown; how could a female lie about having a penis that was nearly 13 inches long?! You’d have to be a really bold woman, and on top of that even if it obviously wasn't true, it was bigger than his!
You scoffed, sounding flabbergasted, “Well, what?! You guys are just gonna get a ruler and measure my dick yourselves and stare at it?! Are you guys homos too?!” You yelled in both embarrassment and anger.
“But… this was all your idea (Male Name)…” Antonio said, trying not to sound unhappy like the others. But at the same time he wasn’t entirely sure about this, what if you were a girl? How would his friends all react?
“Oh I know what you guys are saying, okay then! You guys want to measure my wiener?! Fine! You know what, come on, go ahead! Let’s do it!” You yelled now pissed off but then realized what you just said.
“B-but! I’m only going to show my wiener to Feliks and Toris!” You turned and yelled all of the sudden and everyone in the room, including the ones who knew your secret shot you a ‘WTF’ face. Feliks and Toris turned red but they made their way over to you anyway.
“Vhat vas zhat (Male Name)?” Gilbert asked and held his hand up to his ear and had a big smirk on his face; a bigger one than usual.
Revenge for always saying you're 'awesome-r' than he is when you were NOT.
“ I-I only want Feliks and Toris to see…” You said quieter than how you said it before.
“I can’t hear you…”
“I only want Feliks and Toris to see…!” You hissed a bit this time, redness spreading throughout your face.
“Vhat?” He said, exaggerating a little bit.
“ I only want Feliks and Toris to see my wiener!!” You yelled with a bright red face, out of embarrassment and anger.
“You faggot!” Gilbert said and laughed at your misery. Resembling a sadist and you were at his mercy.
"FAG!" He kept on yelling at you, while your face was bright red with anger and embarrassment, but then Ludwig slapped the back of Gil's head, whilst everyone else either didn’t look amused or they were disturbed by what you said.
Nonetheless Feliks and Toris stood by you, both of them patting your shoulders hopefully to comfort you somehow.
“Can I see too (Male Name)?” Ivan asked smiling and flushing a little bit, to your slight shock and everybody else's for that matter. He knew your secret already but it seemed like he was implying something, but you couldn’t say no to him…
“O-okay… Ivan too…”
“Ohohohon~ ‘ow about me (Male Name)?” Francis asked flashing a lecherous smile, you smiled nervously but then you quickly made your way outside the room with Feliks, Toris and Ivan following you before you could let the Frenchman even try.
~~~~~~~Time Skip of AWESOMENESS~~~~~~
You huffed and crossed your arms, looking quite pissed and dissatisfied.
(Male Name) (Surname): 4.2 inches.
That was even smaller than Kiku and Yao…
Lucky Feliks, Toris and Ivan covered for you, and naturally the guys didn't get to see anything from you.
Okay sure you didn’t really have a dick, hell you didn’t have one at all but that didn’t mean you wanted to lie about having a small one either! It was no different from a girl being upset or happy about her breast size, and you had (cup size) breasts so you were pretty (dissatisfied/satisfied) already.
“Kesesese~!” You didn’t even have to turn around.
“Oh (Male Name)…”
“Let me guess I’m so totally unawesome?” You rolled your eyes and looked at the Prussian.
“Yes! It’s about time you admit it!”
“You really need to learn sarcasm man…” You said and kept your arms crossed.
“Ha! You’re just jealous! Admit it!”
“Never. Besides I’m not jealous! At least now you know that my dick IS 4.2 inches! Respect that and suck on it!” You grinned and flashed Gilbert the peace sign.
“You’re such a loser! You can’t compare zhat to mein awesome 5 metres!” He laughed at what you just said, you sounded ridiculous. Completely ridiculous.
You twitched an eyebrow and sighed in defeat, “Okay, okay… you win THIS time Gil… but it’s not just size that matters... cuz I’m still pretty awesome!” You yelled with a big smile and pointed to yourself.
“Yeah you’re damn right!”
Gilbert raised an eyebrow and smirked, he wouldn’t ever admit it and he hated to think about it. But you… you had guts… it was pretty impressive… to admit something as unawesome as that and still say you are awesome… you reminded him of himself in a way…. Just not as awesome… hell not even close!
“ Wow… it takes a real unawesome man to admit zhat (Male Name). So let’s change this competition to somezhing else and find out who really is zhe more awesome one.” He said with a smirk and you exchanged him the same smirk.
“Alright Mr. Awesome, let’s do it. I am the man!” You said with a smile and then walked in the hallway alongside Gilbert and punched him the shoulder, he snickered and then punched you in the shoulder just as hard, and then you punched him again. All the way to the end of the hallway…